Monday, May 11, 2009

Launch Day




Atlantis is on the Launch Pad and ready for a 2:01 pm lift off. Let's hope the weather holds.

Say hello to Hubble for me.

The Truth About Facebook





A friend of mine posted this Youtube video on Facebook, ironically enough. And you people think that I'm paranoid.

Oh Fudge!

So, Cold Stone Creamery has come up with a shake that has almost all the calories and more fat than you should consume in an entire day. The 24 oz. Oh Fudge shake has 1920 calories and 106 grams of fat. That's 1920 calories and 106 grams of fat (not a type-O).

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those obsessive annoying calorie counters that insists on telling you that everything you jam down your mullet is hastening Death to you like a famished lion to a three legged gazelle. That's not my style. As a matter of fact I tend to eat whatever I want in unnecessarily large portions. If not for my mutant ability to metabolize garbage at an accelerated rate, I would probably weigh 300 lbs.

But my point is (you were starting to think I didn't have one, weren't you?) that we, as Americans, are fat over-indulgent pigs, and we should stop blaming the establishments that we create through our demand for our national obesity. The Center for Science in the Public Interest would have us believe that Lucifer himself came to Cold Stone in the dead of night and personally created this monstrosity of a milkshake.

I guess that I'm just a little tired of people blaming others for their shortcomings. Like some greedy lawyer suing McDonalds for his client's condition as a useless Tub-O-Lard. Come on folks, I know that McDonalds will sell you three Big Macs at a time, but that clueless high school kid that takes your $12 isn't forcing you to inhale that crap.

At Hardee's (Carls Jr. if your on the left side of the country) you can get a Monster Thick Burger, Large Fries, and Med. Coke for lunch or dinner and only consume a measly 2290 calories. And just like at McDonalds, there is no Obesity Enforcement Agent forcing you to over-indulge. Don't eat so much crap if you don't want to be a fat slob. But don't blame Cold Stone for offering an item that people obviously want.

The problem with Americans, people in general I guess, in my oh-so-humble opinion, is that we don't just treat ourselves to something nice every once in a while anymore. We feel like every meal should be a feast, including desserts that may fulfill our caloric needs for the day in one over-sized serving.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

To:

My wife, my mother, my sister, my sisters-in-law, and anyone else helping to over-populate the planet.







You may be happy that you don't have this many kids every other day of the year, but think of all the gifts she gets today. Relax today Duggar Mother, you of all people should relax today.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Listen here Mr. President,

I haven't really had much of a problem with you so far. I understand that our economy is weak and that no one really knows what the best route to recovery is. I haven't been overly vocal about all of the money we've be spending (wasting, investing, whatever you want to call it) on silly bailouts, but let me tell you something.



Leave NASA alone.



I mean come on, all of the money we've given to companies with obviously failing business models. Not to mention the 14000 earmarks in this year's budget. $50 Million for an indoor rain forest in Iowa? Really?

Now the new NASA program, Constellation, is up for REVIEW by some of Obama's boys to see if it's going to be a waste of time. I'll tell you what a waste of time is, putting together a team of so-called experts to scrutinize NASA's budget, probably costing several millions of dollars, and allowing things to go on anyway. This is wasteful political posturing by an Administration that wants to appear to be concerned with spending.

The truth is in 2009:

Federal Income: $2.7 trillion (estimated)

Federal Spending: $3.1 trillion (estimated)

Difference: -$611 billion

The Constellation Program is going to cost $22 billion. That's a whopping .007% of the estimated federal spending.

But to be fair, looking at it like that Iowa's Indoor Rain Forest is only eating up .000016% of the budget. Why shouldn't the great people of Iowa have their own little Jungle Land.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Not what they meant by "Polar Bear Club"

So perhaps it's not a good idea to swim with Polar Bears after all. Some woman thought that it would be a wise choice to climb the fence and enter the Polar Bear habitat at the Berlin Zoo, during feeding time no less. Read the whole thing here.

Long story short, she climbed the fence, she was mauled, she was rescued, she was sited with trespassing.

Would it have been a great loss to humanity if the bears had eaten her? I've gotta say I'm leaning towards no. I mean come on, do the Polars Bears look that cuddly? Or maybe German Women are just really tough? Maybe whatever the bears were being fed looked good to her?

This was an opportunity for some less-than-favorable DNA to be removed permanently from the global gene pool, but no, Zoo security just had to be good enough at their job to save this baffoon. Did anyone stop to think that if this woman climbed into the Polar Bear habitat, willingly, that maybe, just maybe she didn't want to come back out.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter

Nothing quite says welcome back to the resurrected murdered mortal son of god than a giant rabbit hiding eggs in your yard and delivering baskets of candy to all the little kiddies.

Enjoy your long weekend.

Enjoy the time with your family.

And remember, if it wasn't for the Church's need to assimilate pagan holidays into their own in order to subdue and convert the masses, there would be no bunny, eggs, or candy. Only the privilege of giving up something you don't want to give up, representing the sacrifice that was made on your behalf.

Just something to think about. And maybe remember that this is also a holiday about the annual Spring Renewal, Fertility, and the importance of the feminine side of things.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Shadow People

I don't know how many of you have ever heard of the phenomenon known as Shadow People, but I think that it's time we get to the bottom of this foolishness.

If you have never experienced anything like this before than you are undoubtedly going to say that this is all just a bunch of craziness. I know I would. The only problem is that I've been seeing these things off and on for most of my adult life. Too often, actually, to just write it off completely as half-asleep figments of my over-active imagination.

It's like this, the first thing is a feeling, before you actually see anything. Sometimes you walk into a room that you know is empty, yet you feel like you're not alone. Then comes the image. When I see these things it is always out of the corner of my eye, just a faint peripheral image that doesn't seem right. Usually a shadow where a shadow shouldn't be, like a darker area on a dark wall. But sometimes it's movement. Something just out of sight moving farther out of sight as you notice it, disappearing completely when you look at it.

I've experienced these sensations dozens of times in my adult life, but only a few times did I actually make out the shape of a person, but just for an instant. Usually it's too fast to catch, just a trick of the eyes, but it's that feeling of being watched that is always the same. Just watched mind you, I don't feel threatened or anything. Just not alone, when you know that you are. It's never happened to me when anyone else was around, and it always happens when it's dark.

Perhaps it's nothing. The problem I have with that is that it keeps happening. I don't believe in ghosts, and these things aren't like any kind of ghosts you typically would hear about anyway. I get the feeling that whatever it is, it doesn't mean to be noticed, and it may not even mean to be here. And it may just all be in my head.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

So, fourteen years ago today a good friend of mine died. He was twenty-one years old. Too young to die.

Over the years I’ve thought about him less and less. Is this natural? I don’t know. I’m not an overly emotional man, but I’ve been thinking about him, death, life in general lately.

I look at my son and daughter, and I think about the child we’re expecting, and I wonder if any of us really appreciate life as much as we should. Fragile and fleeting.

I remember the anger I felt when he died. Not mad at him, but at almost everything else. The world for moving on like nothing had happened and expecting me to do the same. Everyone who said it was going to alright.

I miss you Sean.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I'm Really Sorry Joaquin,

But this wasn't even that funny when Andy Kaufman did it.

And he thought of it first. It's a shame that you're having trouble finding something to keep yourself entertained. I know it must be hard being a rich movie star and all, and I'm sure that it gets really boring. I just hope that when Casey Affleck puts out his little documentary about these shenanigans that we can all have a little laugh. Because I'm not laughing now.

You look foolish. And I'm not talking about the Grisly Adams meets Vincent Vega look you've got going on. Granted, the Rap World deserves to be made fun of just as much as Professional Wrestling did when Andy Kaufman decided to wrestle women, but you are Sooo bizarre that it's not seeming funny.

And aren't you worried that 50 cent, or some other gun-toting-gangsta is going to take offense to your tomfoolery and pop a cap in yo silly *ss.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Playing God

So, tomorrow morning President Obama is going to overturn the Bush Administration's ban on stem cell research. I now that this is a controversial topic, but hey, we're all about the controversy around here. So let me be the first person to say hurray. I mean it's about time we stop letting religion govern this country.

When your reason for not letting important research move forward, research that WILL lead to lives saved, because YOU think that GOD would be against it, well, then you are an idiot my friend. At least an ego-maniacal sociopath. If you want to argue against scientific progress in the name of god, then why not close all hospitals? If god wants you to live then you’ll live right? Those who die are just weak in faith.

It sickens me that people manipulate religion to control the masses. Of course I know that that is what Religion was built for in the first place, but it sickens me none-the-less. So for all of you nut cases out there who are going to rally against this morale atrocity, screaming as waving signs like this:





I ask you, shouldn’t someone be doing god’s job?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

This is a little wierd,

But still I find it oddly fascinating.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Bye-Bye Sumer Vacation?

That could be the case soon enough. The new Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan, is seriously considering giving the kids longer school years, reducing their time off during the summer. It seems that this might be a necessary step in keeping our kids competitive with countries like China and India where they have longer school years, weeks, and even days. I'm pretty sure that China only lets those kids out of class to sleep and pee.

Though I understand and support the need to strengthen our current system, and I don't pretend to have a suitable alternative plan that will help, I just want to say: How bad is that gonna suck? Even though we never did anything worthwhile with our summer vacations, I loved it. We should all be thankful that we've already graduated.

Now when we tell our kids about walking to school, uphill both ways, through seven feet snow drifts, carrying firewood for the little one room school house, fighting off wild Dingos, and dodging occasional meteor shower, but that we were thankful anyway, they're just going to say: "But you didn't have to go school all summer."

And they'll be right. Even though we won't let them know that. Ever.

I think it will hardest on the kids and Teachers who are already in the system. My kids won't even know because is will just always be that way, they'll see old movies where the kids are on summer break and ask questions like: "Was it really like that dad?" "You guys didn't go to school all year?" "Why are you making me watch these crappy old movies?" "If this is all we're gonna do, can I go back to school?"

But there are Teachers out there who have been doing their job for 30 years or more. They count on those two and half months off to hold on to what's left of their fragile sanity. What about them. I bet a lot of them retire, and understandably so. Is anyone considering what that will do to our education system? Without cranky old ladies to yell us about Shakespeare or Mitosis, how will we ever absorb that information?

Well, I hope that whatever plan they come up with works, because I do realize the need to strengthen our educational foundation before it completely crumbles away underneath us. Ideally this would start at home, with the parents of school children not only helping to teach their children, but also by reinforcing the importance of education in general, but I could go on about that forever, so I'll save it for a later blog.
So, tomorrow morning President Obama is going to overturn the Bush Administration's ban on stem cell research. I now that this is a controversial topic, but hey, we're all about the controversy around here. So let me be the first person to say hurray. I mean it's about time we stop letting religion govern this country.

When your reason for not letting important research move forward, research that WILL lead to lives saved, because YOU think the GOD would be against it, well, then you are an idiot my friend. At least an ego-maniacal sociopath. If you want to argue against scientific progress in the name of god, then why not close all hospitals? If god wants you to live then you’ll live right? Those who die are just weak in faith.

It sickens me that people manipulate religion to control the masses. Of course I know that that is what Religion was built for in the first place, but it sickens me none the less. So for all of you nut cases out there who are going to rally against this morale atrocity, screaming as waving signs like this:





Shouldn’t someone be doing god’s job?

Playing God

So, tomorrow morning President Obama is going to overturn the Bush Administration's ban on stem cell research. I now that this is a controversial topic, but hey, we're all about the controversy around here. So let me be the first person to say hurray. I mean it's about time we stop letting religion govern this country.

When your reason for not letting important research move forward, research that WILL lead to lives saved, because YOU think the GOD would be against it, well, then you are an idiot my friend. At least an ego-maniacal sociopath. If you want to argue against scientific progress in the name of god, then why not close all hospitals? If god wants you to live then you’ll live right? Those who die are just weak in faith.

It sickens me that people manipulate religion to control the masses. Of course I know that that is what Religion was built for in the first place, but it sickens me none the less. So for all of you nut cases out there who are going to rally against this morale atrocity, screaming as waving signs like this:





Shouldn’t someone be doing god’s job?

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Home Gender Tests.

You'll never guess what we're doing around here today.







So my sister has convinced my wife to mix her urine with a few household items in the hopes of finding out what the gender of our baby is. Now, I've been sworn to secrecy so I can't tell you this particular recipe. (Evidently my sister's Coven is very private.)
I'll keep you updated as the results are determined. As for now I'm just trying to keep out of the way.

Supposedly my sister has done this several times in the past, always with correct results.



Here is a photo of her doing this test at home.

Wish us luck.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

- ? -

When I saw this headline: Brittney Spears Will Get Sawed In Half, I was thinking "I wonder if they're going to donate her organs to science?"

But alas, it's just going to be a trick that she does on her new tour, the appropriately named 'Circus' tour. She's also going to disappear, but don't get your hopes up, she comes back every single show.

The next thing you know she'll have a 'Street Magic' show with Chris Angel or David Blaine. Because those guys have gotten about as annoying as possible without new help.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

They're not Rocket Scientists you know.

Dear NASA,

What exactly is going on? If you don't mind me being so bold as to say so, it seems like you guys are just screwing around over there. I mean everyone else seems to be able to get a satellite in the sky lately, and I mean everybody, even the Iranians and the North Koreans.

If we're not running one of our Satellites into an aging Russian Satellite, we're just going to crash them into the ocean without ever achieving orbit.

Extra Credit Question: How much carbon dioxide is produced by a rocket launched carrying an Orbital Carbon Observatory, which immediately crashes into the ocean?

Oh, and are we ever going to get that decrepit shuttle off the ground? Come on now, four delays in a row. Maybe is it time to give up on the shuttle program? I know you guys are really attached to those shuttles, after all they have been around since the '70's, but when exactly is enough enough. Do you think those guys on the ISS would enjoy some company? Or at least some fresh water perhaps?

Best Regards,
Todd

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Hard Times In Beverly Hills

So I just got done reading an article about how the recession is really starting to take a toll in Beverly Hills. One store owner had to reduce the price of a pair of shoes to a measly $245. The shoes were originally priced at $1800. That's right, $1800.

I could never imagine paying $245 for a pair of shoes, but who in the world thinks that any pair of shoes is worth $1800? I mean, maybe for a really nice pair of Hover Boots, but just regular shoes? Come on people. And I bet that the people who pay nearly two grand for a pair of shoes only wear them once. I don't get it. Call me simple if you must.

But hopefully the Stimulus Package will help heal California's ailing economy. That's what the Governator is hoping for anyway. Republican Gov. Schwarzenegger, in an unexpected departure from typical partisan politics, is rallying behind the Stimulus Package. He, like myself, may not agree with every detail of the plan but admits that something needs to be done.

And although no one could possibly say for certain what exactly will work, we might as well all hope for the best instead of crying out Doom and Gloom from the nearest mountain top. I know that politics will always be politics, but I get the feeling that some people actually hope that things get worse or at least stay bad, so that the other guys look bad. Political power is more important to some, than the welfare of the American People, and it seems that fear and hate are still two of the strongest weapons in the Partisan Politics Arsenal.

Alright, I'll get off of my soapbox. For now.